Imagine you had a very painful breakup and you turn to your friends for support. You pour your heart out to them and they respond with a “It’s alright you’ll get over it, it happens to everyone.” In just one response they’ve made you feel hurt, angry, and even alone in your experience. However, showing  empathy in relationships and in your conversations would completely change this scenario. If you’ve ever been in any of these places and would want to develop empathy skills, and avoid hurting people, read this blog for a quick crash course in how to develop empathy.

What is Empathy

The basic definition of empathy is putting yourself in other people’s shoes. It means understanding how a person might feel in a particular situation and allowing yourself to feel the same. Empathy in real life, or when you’re comforting a friend going through their breakup might look something like, “Hey, it’s okay to feel this way, I can see it hurts a lot, I’m here for you if you need anything.” Why these work is because they validate the pain and help the person feel understood instead of being dismissed. Practicing empathy in friendships and all your relationships can lead to better communication, emotional benefits and a better connection with people. However, there is still a roadblock here - sympathy. You might be wondering if this is empathy, then what is sympathy, aren’t they the same? We’re telling people we feel bad for them…And here’s where you’re wrong. 

Empathy Vs Sympathy: What’s the Difference

When I say sympathy, what’s the first thing that comes to your mind? “ Oh poor thing” , “I feel so bad for you, “ or “that sounds awful”. But if you notice the common thing in all these responses, it’s telling the person that we feel bad for them - not that we are with them and know how it feels. With sympathy, we’ve given ourselves a distance - oh I saw what you’re feeling and it looks bad. But with empathy you’re telling them I’m coming with you and I’m staying by your side.

This might still feel very abstract so here I am again with an example to explain it to you. Imagine you’re standing at the edge of a pit in which someone has fallen, and is struggling to climb up. If you’re being sympathetic to them you might say something like “Oh, so bad you fell, this slope feels really tough to climb up from”. However, if you’re practicing empathy in a situation like this, you might think of yourself of being in that pit, or remember a time when something similar actually happened to you, and then you might say something like “Oh I know it’s really hard, I can understand you need help, can I do something from here, I’m here for you.” In this situation you’re sharing their pain with them, not dismissing them with a generic statement of things being bad. 

How to Practice Empathy

Well I’ve talked all about what empathy is and how it’s different from sympathy (maybe even given you a shock with that one). I am also telling you that empathy has a lot of psychological benefits and helps you connect with people better. But the question still remains, how to practice empathy in real life. What if you haven’t faced something similar, will you not be able to be empathetic? Fortunately, that’s not the case.  There are strategies that you can use to build your empathy skills and become a better listener in life

Listen, really listen

The first step to any effective communication is listening. Same goes for empathy. It’s important to really, actively listen. This is different from being on the phone and telling the person to continue while you scroll through Instagram and listen to them. Active listening is to actually pay attention and understand what they are saying. This means listening to not just their words, but their tone of voice, their pauses, their expressions, basically overthink their responses. Look out for signs of distress because only then will you realise what the other person is feeling, before you can give them an empathetic response saying you understand their pain. 

What would it feel like…

What next? I just asked you to overthink their response and their tone, but what are you even going to do with that information? This is where the ‘putting yourself in their shoes comes in’. So instead of the generic response, oh that’s sad, you ask yourself “how would I have felt in this situation, what would I need?” When you do that, you basically respond in the way that you wanted to hear when you were upset. You take the time to acknowledge the other person’s feelings and also understand their pain. And when you do that, your friend would definitely think you’re a great listener and would feel better. So basically, in empathy, we understand the pain and in a way offer the space and the validation that we needed in a similar situation.

This is what happened to me…

Yeah, I am sure when I asked you to think of a similar situation you faced, you imagined yourself telling your story to your friend. And that is the second mistake people make in empathetic listening - the first is still, not listening. When I tell you that you need to understand and acknowledge their pain, I want you to stop there and give them the validation they need at that moment. Telling your story would result in you asking for the similar validation from the person who came asking for it. It’s like that annoying situation where you’re the one who is angry and when you tell your friend you are angry they get mad at you. Isn’t that hurtful? (try putting on their shoes) And that’s exactly why you don’t talk about your story in the middle of providing comfort. Empathetic listening and emotional intelligence are about gauging the situation and understanding what they need, not giving them advice from your experience. 

Drop the “at least”

Sorry, I am going to take another one of your responses out of the list of acceptable ones. “At least you guys weren’t together for that long” or “At least, it's not worse than this”? You’re trying to comfort them telling them that it’s all better than so many other things. But let’s overthink this for a minute and maybe even empathise a bit - How would you feel if someone tells that to you? Like you’re bad for feeling bad, that your troubles don’t matter, you’re not allowed to feel upset because someone else has it worse. All this to basically tell that your emotions are not that big, they don’t matter. But I told you emotional intelligence and empathy is gauging the situation and giving them what you needed. So if you don’t want to hear “at least….” then don’t give it to them either. Just acknowledge their hurt and support them.

So…um…what do I say now

I’ve just stopped you from telling your story, so what else can you say? Who’s saying you even have to say something? Just don’t. You may tell me “Dikshita, that doesn’t make any sense. How am I helping by just sitting and doing nothing?” Well you’re not going away at least, you’re offering them the space if they need to talk, and even if they don’t, you understand that and you still say. Empathy is not conditional to talking. It’s just a response which makes people feel understood, validated, and less alone. If that means just sitting with them till they feel better - you’re still fulfilling one of the things empathy does (making them feel less alone)

Final Thoughts

I hope you’ve understood how to really comfort that friend going through a breakup, or the one stressed before the exam. You might still question “does empathy really work? It won’t make their problems go away anyway” Yes it most certainly won’t. But to be fair, neither does saying “I feel bad for you”. What empathy does is make a difference, and not add a new problem. It does make the person feel understood, validated, and in some situations, even happy. Even you would agree that having a rant partner is way better than someone who gives you advice and tells you it’s no big deal. And if you really want to make a difference, don’t just end at that one conversation. Check in with people even days later if they need anything from you,  if they’re okay. It’ll make them feel supported. 

So next time your friend shares their struggles, pause. Listen. Acknowledge. Be there. Because in the end, empathy isn’t just about understanding others—it’s about making the world a little less lonely, one connection at a time and your small act can make a big difference for someone else.