Beyond the Couch: The Art of Active Listening

Are you even listening? Of course I am…yes yes you are right. I wasn’t asking anything. Uhh I know you never listen. I’ll just talk to my therapist, nevermind. Wait… no please I’ll listen this time. Promise. Just tell me how your therapist does it. It’s very simple, you just need to actively listen. But what does that mean? I am really confused…

Most of us have been in situations where we wanted to listen, remember, and respond well. But it just doesn’t happen right? At least not always. Sometimes, it’s a notification, other times its that urgent reminder you had to give and if nothing else, of course you’ll zone out at least once. But apparently therapists are ‘paid to listen’. So how do they do it? What’s that skill of active listening that really leads to effective communication? Read on to learn more about it and understand how you can use it to be better listeners, and ultimately better people. 

I always listen, what is being ‘active’ in it?

Let’s first clear this difference between listening and ‘active listening’. We all listen to what people say, but are we active about it? Are we really paying attention to what is being said - through words and otherwise? That is where the line starts being drawn. There are a few main points of active listening (this is where all of you with short attention spans can get the article summary) - 

• Paying attention to the words as well as the body language of the person.

• Listening only to listen and not to respond.

• Being curious for more information

• Being patient with their feelings and information

• Reassuring their feelings, if needed. 

And finally to sum it up, active listening is a way of communication where you not only listen to the words, but also understand someone’s thoughts and feelings. It’s going from hearing to understanding. The only problem is, how do you do it? Wait, it’s not a problem anymore - read on to get a therapist’s tips on how to practise active listening. 

Was it sarcasm or not…

One of the best and simplest ways to develop active listening skills is to pay attention to what is not being said. Sure, words tell you a lot, but even more is said in the tone, the hand gestures, the eye movements, and of course your knowledge about the person. That ‘I’m fine’ means  ‘not at all fine’ when said softly - you know this through the tone. The excessive hand gestures and the sweat - oh he’s nervous. All we have to do is awaken that inner detective - notice those small things, because even before words people communicated, and they still do. So that’s the first step to really listen - hear those non words as well. 

As I was saying…

Nobody likes being interrupted and having to come back to some story they were telling. The art of active listening, lies in giving people the space to talk and taking that space to wait and just listen. Yes, be curious and ask questions, but when you’re a listener, you’re a listener and no story that you remembered is important then. Giving people the space to talk, sometimes even a brief silence, reassures them that they can take time to process their thoughts and that you’ll listen without hurrying them. That trust is built, and they’ll know you want to listen and not just respond. Two steps done - Watch them while hearing, and wait while you listen. 

Oh it happens to everyone…

Yes, it happens, yes they’ll get over it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. And when you’re listening, you’re doing that to give them a space where they can talk about what they want. Common phrases like ‘just get over it’, ‘it happens to everyone’, or ‘it’s no big deal’ end the conversation and with it, the trust you had built with the previous two steps. In the end what do you communicate? What’s happening to you, doesn’t interest me enough, we’re done talking about it. At least that’s what it feels like to the other person (or even you, if you’ve been there). Listening doesn’t end at the hearing part. An effective communication will happen when you let the person know you’ve heard them. And that is through empathy - yes, I understand what it must be like, or I can’t imagine what you’re going through but I’m here - said either verbally or nonverbally. 

How will it help me?

We’ve talked about the difference between listening and active listening, we've talked about how to practise it, and we’ve very briefly mentioned where it is useful (pretty much always if you’re talking to someone). But, is it really that useful? How does it matter if we can’t always listen actively? If that is still a question in your head, remember how you felt when someone interrupted that story you were very excited about. Or that time when you wanted someone to just say “It’s alright, I’m here.” Active listening is important to build that trust, to be yourself, to make others and yourself really connected with what’s happening. 

One of the reasons therapists are ‘paid to listen’ is because listening, real listening, is lost these days and as social beings, we still need it. Active listening is one of the best ways to improve your relationships with people and take a step towards feeling a little less lonely and more happily vulnerable. 

So, go really listen to that embarrassing story someone is telling you, and ask someone to really listen to your rant about your favourite movie. It’ll be worth the connection, I promise.